Halloween: A One Night Stand

Janet Leigh once said, “Everyone’s entitled to one good scare on Halloween,” to her own daughter, Jamie Lee, in their third movie together called Halloween: H20. Halloween has got to be one of the greatest holidays in the world. And if you don’t count it as a holiday fuck you, I mean, you get to dress like a complete fool, or slut for some of you women or men, for a whole day and no one can make fun of you.

I always plan ahead for Halloween, I know what I’m wearing, where I’m wearing it to and who’s going with me at least a whole month before. It just so happens that this Halloween, I was late. I ordered my costume a week before Halloween, I had no clue what I was doing or who I was going with. I knew what I wanted to be though and if I can say, this costume was stunning.

I was literally a one night stand. Literally a foam, pullover nightstand with a matching black velvet lampshade hat. I was a shoe in for Best Costume, which we’ll get to soon. It was, this is great, aDRAWable. 

My mother was invited to host a bartending event for the local Rheumatoid Arthritis Foundation Thursday night. She invited her whole hospital, some friends, and me. It was held at a restaurant overlooking the ocean and all of the proceeds went to this foundation. It was fabulous and my costume brought stares, laughs and the line, “Are you supposed to be a dresser?” to which I answered, “No a one night stand,” and waited for the laughter.

The bartending event was a competition, Men Vs. Women, with local “celebrities” like the city’s fire chief (dressed as Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights), a doctor (dressed as a pirate) and my mother’s boss (who used makeup to create a mouth splitting open.)

The fundraiser only lasted three hours, with the men winning, which I thought was unfair because they used their sex appeal, their shirts were open and Dirk himself used… well you know, and if you don’t Google it.

Friday night, Halloween, found my mother and I sitting outside our driveway handing out candy to ungrateful little brats. I didn’t wear my costume, afraid I would scare the innocence away from the kids, so I wore an alter ego, a man named Kip Kipper who stands for feminism and that’s all. “I need feminism because… I’m not sure why.”

Three hours in, the kids were unstop and dressed like Elsa from Frozen (gee real original mom and dad), when this asshole kid comes up riding a scooter. A SCOOTER. He wasn’t in a costume either. He jumped off his scooter and asked, “Got any candy left?”

Um, excuse me what happened to Trick or Treat? Or “Hey bitch where’s my candy at?” This asshole kid, I was so upset, I said, “No.” He hopped on his scooter and rode away.

I was so upset I ate six Snickers candy bars when I promised myself only two.

That night, after that asshole kid left, my mother and I went to a bar with a few of her friends. It was the only place that had a costume contest, which I was extremely excited about. We sat around, my mother (dressed as a woman with huge boobs and matching ass), her blonde, skinny friend (dressed as a police woman) and her other blonde, skinny friend (dressed as a witch) and waited. They had their drinks, I had mine, a Shirley Temple when a man came up to us. He was dressed as an Indian, with no shirt on and washboard abs, so I’ll call him Chief Rainwater mainly because his matching headpiece was blue. He made a pass to the witch first who denied him and he then moved on to the policewoman. I overheard their conversation and will put it verbatim for you all:

“Wanna see my totem pole?”

“Only if it has an owl on top of it.”

“Its gonna have you on top of it,” rainwater said.

“And you’re gonna get me another drink,” policewoman said.

He nodded and left.

“All right well I had fun. I’ll see you all later?” she said, gathered her stuff and left the bar.

Funny thing was Chief Rainwater never returned with a drink. I lost the costume contest to some bitch wearing a Hooters girl outfit. Funny thing with that was it was a man and he had better nipples than I did.