To Mom

Here’s a story of a woman I love very dearly. This woman has been with me since the beginning, my biggest inspiration and the greatest form of entertainment. This woman is my mother. The story is of one of her biggest dating flops and the outcome that affected her sex life.

You may say, “Wow. That’s kinda weird.” Just wait until the story.

My mother met a Spanish guy online and few for the first dew days, hit it off without a problem. He loved the beach, pugs and late-night movies, the things my mother loves more than her kids. They agreed to meet at a very classy restaurant, where the prices start off at twenty dollars, in a very classy neighborhood.

She arrived twenty minutes early, looking her best and wearing her favorite perfume, the one she hides in the bottom of her sock drawer. She waited and waited. And waited, even the barman knew she got stood up. As she was about to leave a man stepped up to her.

“You know, you remind me of that one X-men…”

“Who? The one with the wheelchair?” my mother said.

“You must be Pugs21. I’m spanish123.”

Though he looked nothing like his picture, it seems as if pictures never do anyone justice nowadays, they took to a table and continued this date of firsts. Mom wondered if this was the guy, she wondered if he would pay the bill and when he did, my mother was blown away. Even though that is the norm nowadays, isn’t it?

The rest of the night included my mother getting pulled over, my mother without a license, my mother alone in a town she didn’t know very much and spanish123 running to her rescue. You have to hand it to her; she knows how to make a lasting impression.

Spanish123 took mom home and she, under the kindest of hearts and a little captain Morgan, invited him in. As she washed away the night’s bad memories, she stepped into a new set of memories. Or nightmares, as she still can’t get the visual out of her head.

There was spanish123, naked, laying on her bed. His big round belly, barley hiding his brown tinged penis, and hair. Hair was everywhere. “Mind if I get comfy?"  She was shocked, she’s never seen a penis like that before nor has she met someone so…pushy.

“I’d like it if you get out of my house…”

It was at this point in the phone call, that I lost it. I started laughing and she couldn’t help herself. I told her the only person with this much dating troubles was Carrie Bradshaw. I told her some sappy, son shit, “Everything will be okay. Keep trying.”

“Maybe on your next date ask the guy the color of his penis?”

She texted me today and said that Mr.Penis123 asked her to go on a boat ride. She texted back with a solid NO.