Attack of the Virus

Can you fucking believe I got a virus! Yes a virus! I was checking the blog, thinking about one-liners about my high school and the people in it, normal, when my computer froze. I nearly fainted. I couldn’t move my mouse, I couldn’t log out or shut down and I couldn’t force quit. The screen that came up yelled YOUR INTERNET HAS BEEN BLOCKED. YOUR INFORMATION HAS BEEN SENT TO THE POLICE AND FBI FOR CHECKING.

Oh boy. The lock screen I was on, well locked on, said that this could’ve been for numerous reasons, most likely I was browsing pornographic sites. I wondered if they count my blog as pornographic. I mean I write about sex, but not in detail. Anyway, this screen terrified me. It said I had twelve hours to pay a six hundred dollar fine so my Internet can be unlocked. Six hundred dollars are you kidding?

So I went to the Internet, not on my computer obviously, but in my iPad. So I browsed and found four sites that basically said the same thing, THIS IS A SCAM. DO NOT PAY. Well now I’m confused, I mean this was the FBI. I could be fined a hundred thousand dollars and imprisoned for six years, or so my locked screen told me.

So I went to the only place I thought I could go: the Apple Help center. And boy did they help me. They said to go to my spotlight, on the right hand screen, and type in safari and hit the folder not the app. Okay easy enough. Then erase all of your history, all of it, and then head back to the folder app and click on a bookmark. That should lead you to a clean safari page and you can rest your safari back to factory settings.

Thank god it worked. I spent the last few hours wondering who could do this and I blame the gays. I make one joke about them and they take control of my Internet. I was shocked I didn’t get a purse full of dead birds wearing last year’s cashmere scarfs.

You can bet, tomorrow, I'm heading to the nearest store to get anti virus protection shit. Bastards thinking they can control my Internet…

You wanna hear that one-liner now? Too bad I’m gonna say it anyway.

Our school is so gay we’re called the bottom eaters. Our mascot should be a crab, mainly because most of us have it and because its a bottom feeder.... Okay I'm still working on them.