The Hate List

I’ve been home for a week and three days and during that time, when not looking for a job, I’ve been reading Joan Rivers. I’ve also been watching Joan Rivers and it came to the point where now I feel safe enough to literally become her. One of her books is called “I Hate Everyone Starting With Me” and I haven’t stopped laughing since I picked it up. So in an effort to become Joan I’m going to write my own hate list. Please note that the list and commentary are supposed to be funny and if you don’t laugh I will loose a part of my soul.

Ghost Shows- Every single one of them. The Haunting, the Dead, the Dead Files, the Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, Haunted Places in America. Please. I got more scared watching Transformers 4 where Mark Wahlberg’s deep breathing still haunts my dreams. I think I hate the narrator the most though. “Welcome to Hell on Earth. Bring a flashlight or two.”

“Swimming for a good haunt then you don’t want to miss blah blah water park, one of the most haunted water parks in the United States.” Whatever. But it got me thinking about how I would act as a ghost and I’m sure it would go something like this, “BOO. Stole your cookie like I’m gonna steal your man tonight.” “Shut the fuck up, Ghost Joe.” “No you shut the fuck up before I drag your ass down those stairs.”

Chick- Fil-A- There are two things I hate about Chick-Fil-A and one of them is because its always so FUCKING BUSY. I waited twenty minutes to get to the order box, another ten waiting for my food to be made and another ten minutes eating the stupid thing. The second is that they literally shove Jesus down our throats. I’m unsure if every Chick- Fil-A does this, but the one by me makes the employee’s wear their favorite bible verse on their name tag. “Hello my name is Jessica. John 3:16.”

Don’t get me wrong I would love to have lunch with Jesus because then, maybe, I could get my publishing deal. I drove away wanting to say “Amen. Praise Jesus,” but instead I said, “How do you feel about homosexuals marrying?” I’m a hundred percent sure I got a bible thrown at me.

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge- This stupid challenge has been all over my newsfeed for the past two weeks. It involves dumping a bucket of cold water over you or you have to donate $100 to the ALS Association. My question for everyone, “What if I don’t?” Does someone have a link to my bank account? What if the water isn’t cold? I mean hello, anyone can act, look at Taylor Swift in The Giver. I feel that people are now doing it for attention. And can I say how bad it makes us look? I mean, it seems as if NO ONE donated the hundred dollars. Selfish Bastards.  I’m not saying anything bad about ALS because it is very serious its just, whoever created the Ice Bucket challenge why not do something better? Like the Tasteful Nude challenge. Now that I would do.

Lifetime Movie Network- If I wanted to watch pointless, humorless drama I would watch E, specially Keeping up with the Kardashian’s who I have not kept with. The names of the movies are anything less than creative and have endings anyone can guess. Last night, my mom and I watched Lost Son and the whole movie was about, you guessed it, a mother looking for her lost son. It was when my dog perked up and said, “The husbands gonna die,” that I knew it was time for bed.

So tell me what do you hate this week?