The Gayra's

A funny thing happened on the way to the film festival; I got lost. And not in that I made a wrong turn I’ll just go back way, no, I made the wrong turn and ended up in some part of town that I’ve never been to and there were houses and shit and not the place that I needed to go to. I was scared, hot, pissed and I really wanted my mom. I felt like Leonardo Dicaprio at the Oscars.

I took a chance at this film fest because it was the only LGTBQ festival that was close to my house and because it was the first film fest that I have ever been to. It was in this little theater, it only had two movie screens, in this little town near Downtown Sarasota. I showed up a little early, twenty minutes to be in fact, and spent my time learning about this festival from the woman who runs it.

Its in its fourth year and has films from all over the world, mainly Germany, France and Italy and the few American films. She then asked for my background.

“Well I’m a screenwriter,” I told her.

“How exciting. So the movies are like your second home?”

“Basically.”

“Do you write about them? Like on a blog?”

I had just gotten my business cards because I heard business cards make you seem more professional. “I do have a blog but I don’t really write reviews,” I say as I hand her a card.

“The Homo Whisperer…so you’re unafraid then?”

“What?”

“You’re unafraid to be yourself. That’s very good,” she says as people start walking in for the five o’clock showing of the first gay film.

Can we just talk a minute about gay films? Brokeback Mountain and the like which I have since dubbed the Gayra’s. Why are they always in a “secret affair?” Meeting at the dark of night or a secret location in a fucking mountain. It’s the twenty-first century get them out of these stupid secret affairs and put them in our face, make it raw and frank. When Harry met Sally will become When Harry met James. Affairs only work if you are a politician, actor or my next-door neighbor who all have affairs like it’s the new religion.

And what is with football films? Since when has throwing a ball around become so inspirational? Gay men and straight women have been doing it for years and they don’t get a film. And don’t you fucking tell me, “They work as a team and learn to become themselves with the help of friends.” Bullshit