The Gameplan

I was a firm believer that I didn’t need nice or expensive things to show who I really am. Or are. Or trying to be. But then I started working at Macy’s and the belief was shit on. I’m wearing Alfani sweaters and T-shirts that cost me about twenty dollars each (the sweaters were pushing sixty though.) I’m wearing closed toed shoes from Sketchers and Ralph Lauren. And I bought myself a brand new gold Iphone 6.

You have to understand I had my Iphone 4 for about four years. Try saying THAT three times fast. And I was perfectly happy with getting the Iphone 5 because, in my view, the Iphone 6 was a little too big. But the Verizon Guy was very pushy and was like, “You know Apple’s coming out with a brand new update in about three weeks so you might as well get the 6.” And I agreed. Stupid me.

He was like, “The 5 is dead anyway.”

And I thought so is my love life I’ll take the 6.

It’s been four weeks and still no update. Bastard just wanted me to spend more money. But that’s not the point, the point of this story is… its nice to have your own money. Its nice to have your brand new phone in your hands with all the pictures, songs and contacts that you stored in your cloud… even the ones your thought were gone forever.

There he was. The one I thought I had deleted. The one, for those of you who don’t know, took me on a date (read the post My First Date: Part Uno for a name.) I, in all honesty, forgot about him. He was gone from my phone, my Facebook and life and he never came back until I found his contact in my phone. I deleted it pretty fast but… for some reason I’m still thinking about him.

I haven’t been on a date since, let alone a dating site, let alone the dating site where we met. Its been what… two months? And I think I’m ready to do it all over again.

I’ve been thinking I’ve been thinking about telling you guys about this guy at work but I already started so I guess I’ll tell you. I barely know his first name and I defiantly don’t know his last name.

Actually lets backtrack a few weeks. I’ve been growing a beard. Well trying to grow a beard. It’s like growing and everything but there’s this one like spot on my chin that has no hair like what the hell? And I read in Cosmo that girls are attracted to men with beards and they’re called… LUMBERSEXUALS. And I thought, “Hey I like men with beards… what happens if I grow one?”

Okay back to that guy. So I walk into work one day and he comes up to me and is like, “I like men with beards.” And I said, “I like men with more than three comas in their banks accounts.*”

He has a really good sense of style and everything and he seems funny and he’s nice and tall. And the next time I see him I’m gonna ask for his Facebook and put my number in his phone next to the piece of shit emoji so that he has to text me.

*Walks away listening to Fancy*

My Broken Computer...

There are many fears in the world, for instance, people are afraid of heights, of darkness and spiders. Fears of tight spaces, elevators and, in some cases, staircases (though I’m not sure what is so scary about them?) I have two fears and one of them is breaking my computer. The other is heights but who cares.

So this morning I’m sitting and typing away and making progress on my personal project, my play called “The Rainbow Monologues.”

Side note. I have two playwriting books and no formal education in playwriting format. I searched and found the author of one of my books and emailed him. I asked if he could read the first two pages of it to check for any formatting issues and everything. He emailed back and said, “I read through the first two pages and skimmed through the rest and the format is superb. Its clean and easy to read and actually very enjoyable.” He would’ve read the rest if I paid him to. I’m still thinking about that though.

So I’m typing and I get hungry so I walk into the kitchen and TRIP over my COMPUTER CORD AND MY COMPUTER FALLS ON THE HARDWOOD FLOOR OF MY LIVING. I’m writing in caps because it broke my heart! I picked it up like a little child, crying my freaking eyes out, and the screen is BLACK. I’m crying harder now and place it on the couch, wrapped in a little blanket like a newborn baby.

I call my mother and she doesn’t answer and I leave her a voicemail of me crying for a full minute. I race back to my broken baby wrapped in a sheer blue blanket and cry. I yell at my dog to get out for some reason and she just looks at me. I turn on the computer…

AND IT WORKS. Oh I nearly threw up. I was so excited. I took it out of its blanket and held it for a brief minute. I put it back on its charger, I was afraid you see, that I crushed the charger port whatever the hell its called, and I didn’t then I went to Taco Bell to refresh my mind.

I have a love/hate relationship with the Taco Bell near my house because they never have the shit I want. Today I went for a Strawberry Freeze and they didn’t have it, like what the hell. The girl was like, “We ran out of the mix.” How the fuck do you run out the mix? Like what the hell.

I love Taco Bell cause every time I go to the drive through they ask, “How are you doing?” and I’m like, “I’m good how are you?” and they answer back, this is great, “I’m TACO-TASTIC.” Classic.

Can we talk? I came home with my NORMAL Baja Blast, bastards, and watched Cupcake Wars. Have you ever seen that show? It’s fabulous. So these assholes are baking cupcakes and shit and the challenges are ridiculous. “You have ten minutes to bake for thirty-thousand people have fun.” And all the cooks are like, “We’re never gonna make it” or they mess up but they ALWAYS HAVE THE CUPCAKES DONE. I don’t understand!

I want a recount!

The Bad News

They say that hearing the bad news always makes the good news sound so much better but I don’t believe that. A couple of weeks ago my brother-in-law was diagnosed with stage four cancer, a word that already has horrible opinions in my family. I wrote a blog awhile back about my father and his own fight with cancer and I wont get into any specifics about it but we’ll say that it changed everything.

When my sister heard that her husband has stage four cancer her mind shut down and all she could see were the same events already played through with our father. They always say that the bad news can’t really hurt anyone but I think the phone call waiting for the bad news can.

She called me at work, on my long day, eleven to eight, at three-thirty and said what’s going on. I wanted to call her, to text even, but I couldn’t, not in the middle of work. I tried to play through the rest of the day with a smile and act like myself but how could I when this was in the back of my mind? I would say where it started but I don’t want to disclose that kind of information for you all to read. Unless he approves.

That was the bad news. The good news is that my brother-in-law will be OKAY! He’ll start chemo and everything should be in tip-top shape. He’ll still lose his hair and it will still be a little painful but he’ll make it through it. Trust me, if he can stand my sister going through wedding details he can stand chemo.

So. Okay. Moving on from sober, sad stuff… I hung out with a lesbian four days ago. A lesbian! I haven’t hung out with a lesbian since high school. And can we just say that their hairstyles are getting shorter every damn time I see one. Damn.

A quick note on the Golden Globes. Amy and Tina were as funny as ever and Jennifer Lopez’s slit on her dress ran all the way up to her clit, I mean my God. One flash to the camera and it would’ve been Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

The Oscar nominations came out this morning and when I found out that Gone Girl, one of my favorite movies EVER, WASN’T nominated I cried. No Best Picture, no Adapted Screenplay. Nothing!

I also started a diet. No soda, bread, pasta, rice, or sweets. It’s been a week and half and I’m getting withdrawals from having no soda. Literally I woke up last night sweating and a little dizzy. This diet is trying to kill me.

Diet:1

Joe:0

Please if you have time visit this link and read about my sister and her husband. But please, only if you have the time. Thanks! 

http://www.gofundme.com/helpsebastianfight

Joe. 

The Homo Whisperer's Silence....BROKEN

I know. I know. “Look who’s finally back.” I know. I did take a little blog break to focus on my own personal projects for a bit, not to mention catching up on reading, watching movies and getting to that long awaiting schoolwork that NEEDED to be done. In a way I become the Homo Silencer and not the Homo Whisperer.

Homo Silencer makes me sound like I’m spy. He’s tough, he’s a spy, he wears last years Gucci, and he’s the Homo Silencer. TM by Joe Russo.

But I'm back and I'm ready for the New Year to bring some great surprises. But first lets talk about you guys?! How were your holidays? Mine were quiet, food and family filled.

Christmas eve my sisters surprised us by coming home! She came in the morning of and me, still sound asleep, only awoke to the sound of the front door latch turning footsteps. I slipped out of my bed, getting ready for what I wasn’t sure but still I was ready to fight. I opened my bedroom door and almost gave my sister a left hook. Has she not learned anything living with us the past twenty-two years? Shit. Can’t just come up and scare a brother like that. Brother. Ha-ha. Get it.

Christmas Day gave me twenty three new screenplays, all used of course, a set of Spark Plugs for my car (it stopped working on me one day just turned off right in the turning lane), thirteen new DVD's (nine of them belong to the great Woody Allen) and new clothes bought, of course, at Macy's (the one day sales are great. I got four Alfani shirts for a dollar. A DOLLAR.) 

Let me see what else happened. Well, New Year’s Eve I went bowling with some friends (dollar games are my shit even though I was horrible. My high score was a fifty-nine), came home and got drunk with my mother and passed out, roughly, at twelve-fifteen.

I started 2014, fuck, 2015, don’t even start with me I know about half of you made the same mistake AT LEAST once these eight days, with a real bang and got offered a full time position at Macy’s! They called me in real early, eight A.M to be exact, and my store director waited for me outside her office. I wondered if this was a bad meeting or good? “Are you a good with or a bad witch?” I went with bad because the store director wore her leopard print high heel boots that went up to the knee. Talk about fierce girl, damn. The last time she wore those a co-worker left crying.

We walked into her office and there, smiling, was my manager. The store director took her seat, clasped her hands in front of her and asked, “Joe do you have a full time job?”

“No.”

“Would you like to work for us full time?”

“Sure! I love you guys! And your boots,” I say.

“You like? Im trying them for the first time,” my store director says.

“I really like. I wish I can wear shoes like that but if I did my hip would be dislocated.”

Gosh I feel like so much has happened but, really, nothing has happened. I started a new play called “The Rainbow Monologues”, finished the first act and SHOULD be starting the second act tomorrow. I got another poem published, my sixth publication (why am I still working at Macy’s?), and its called “Marilyn Monroe.”

But I do have to say… I missed you guys. Kisses and hugs… have a great year…

Joe.